Friday, October 31, 2008

Suicide Note For Tapas

Well we won some national awards. But no one bothered to congratulate us. Typical.
A lot of coaxing later managed to get our NPH Tapas to write a mail. He wrote a funny one. To this, I replied with a Suicide note. Here it is...

SUICIDE NOTE 
This is to inform all those concerned, or otherwise that we are being compelled to take this extreme step out of sheer shame thrust upon us by a mail. We mean a Mail sent by a Male, who happens to be our Senior Vice Boss (We know we are a non-hierarchical organisation, still dying men have few liberties).
Before dying, we would like to convey our deepest regrets at not having won any prize at the ABBY’s. We now empathise with the original loser Abby Baby (its a different thing people said Amitabh tum Amar Raho, and pop came Amar Singh...rest, as they say, is Fucture).

Back to the suicide note.
The mail from our SVB has made us feel worthless leading us to believe that there is not enough space for listless losers like us, hence we are committing suicide. We have four different options,
Hanging to death (Heard we obtain Dhan n Joy)
Jumping into the New Narmada Canal (will eventually meet the Arabian sea, as desired by our SVB)
Consuming poison (Mallika Sherawat is such an item)
Simply jumping off a building (Nothing important worth writing)
Between the four of us we will amicably decide which form to embrace or else die fighting over the same. Though Chirag has a better idea (he always has the best of them), he wants to get married (that’s suicide enough, albeit a slow one).
Right then, do forgive us for all the troubles/shame we may have knowlingly/unknowingly caused to you.
We intend to commit our act over this weekend (so, we do not waste a CL).
Sales folks, please submit all your Production Requisition forms latest by Friday , we will not entertain any last minutes on this.
Admin, we would not be punching in our presence so kindly note our absence.
Rajesh/Hitesh, we are seeking a 3 to 3.5 in our appraisal, for god’s sake (or else we will complain to him) please accept it. Give us a good increment, please consider our entire year’s achievements and disregard our ABBY’s failure (else, will haunt you in Mumbai too).
Lalit Jetley (Specifically) we will write your name in the Suicide note with our SVB’s mail as attachment.
Finally, always remember, for every small appraisal, there is a far bigger and higher Upraisal, which we, the ABBY losing production team of Ahmedabad intend to acquire, and some day all of you will have to face. See you there soon, in the best of your spirits.
Signed


Chirag Tripathi                                                 Anshuman Dave
Unmarried. Seeking Brahmin,Beautiful                Engaged, Seeking a way out.
Brides call 9898426564                                                 




Kirit Patel                                                         Jignesh Vasavada
Married. Seeking a Pouch, any brand                Married (half the world knows it by now).
as long as it has tobacco.                                                 


PS
In case you want names of your subordinates added to this suicide note please send them across with a draft of Rs 5000 per name in favour of `The Under Tower Productions’ payable at Ahmedabad.

Broadcasting rights and other branding facilities at venue will be discussed separately. (Gujjus that we are, will make an event out of the whole thing) 

My Mirchi Covering Letter

Tell you what, i never thought, I would ever be able to walk thru dream so easily...
Here check it out...
I was 28 yrs old...and guess what I actually wrote my salary in the CV....And I wanted to be an RJ...yeah a Radio Jockey...
COVERING LETTER


I am Shreelinee, three month young wife of Jignesh Vasavada. 
I am an interior designer by profession and a woman of very high taste, hailing from a very rich family. In a typical filmy fashion, I fell for this good-for-few-things guy and got married. So much so good, but this is where my problems start.
I have been uncomfortable living in his upper middle class environment, where they do not even have an air-conditioner, microwave oven or a LD player at home (can you imagine a house like that?). There's more. Travelling is a bone breaking business in our rickety old Maruti Van (non-A/c), not to mention, eating in those sidey restaurants where the cost of a Roti is a meagre Rs 20. 
Mention Taj and he relates it to the monument, Oberois, to him, is the residence of Suresh Oberoi (I have stopped mentioning Holiday Inn, Leela or Meridien, its no use). It has been long since I have been able to do some decent designer shopping, been abroad on trips (our honeymoon was in some desi God's own country, which surprisingly was not Switzerland!!!!).


So, now here's what I feel you should give him (don't worry sooner or later he will deserve it). You should give him a decent package with flexible working hours. To begin with, may I suggest, a senior position, say a CEO or MD (they would be a hit with my kitty party ladies. They are all big Js). And to go with it, a plush bungalow at Navrangpura, an imported car (with A/c), all expenses paid foreign jaunts about four times a year and all the other perks and allowances you may want to gift him. Can he get a posting abroad? (you may open shops in Europe or US, I know the people out there would definitely buy your radios).
About the salary, I would love it if you gave him say 60,000 to 75,000 (if in rupees then make it monthly). Though personally speaking I would prefer Pounds (actually I'll make do with Dollars too). But ensure that he gets a good deal (he can hardly strike one).
Do not worry about training part, I have already bought a couple of old radios so he can practice, besides, our neighbour's daughter keeps coming up with problems in her radio (they spend a number of hours repairing her portable radio). So, rest assured, he is fit to join your shop whenever you require him to do so.
Do take him, it will do a world of good to him and make my life a bit more comfortable.
Yours truly,
Shreelinee
PS: Do you plan to also come out with a television shop, believe me he can even sell TVs too.
PPS: I heard the name of your shop is Mirchi EF M (it is so down market). May I suggest U S International Radio of Ahmedabad or World Radio of Ahmedabad or even Radio International services (imagine the rise in my status among my big J kitty party club).
PPPS: Forget it……








Guess This Got me a Job, and a career. Believe me, I said, maxkyahoga let me be different, it worked.